It feels like I’ve been away from this blog for far too long, although it’s not even been a week since my last post. Plenty has changed in the previous weeks – me as well as my goals. I hadn’t seen it coming, but it has happened, and although I’m trying to get used to the change, I’m still happy that whatever happened happened, because it feels like I’m now headed in the right direction. That before these changes took place, I was wandering off the path and going where I wasn’t supposed to go, and further delaying my journey.
I’m making it sound like something very major has happened, but it’s nothing that huge or significant. It’s important, though. This Monday me and my mother had a short argument about something completely insignificant before I left for school, something I shouldn’t have reacted to crossly, but did, and my mother said (not to me) that I thought too highly of myself because of my academic achievements. And although it hurt to hear it, over the course of the day I realized every bit of it was true. I tried to think of things that made me who I am, did not take my grades into consideration, and ended up with an empty list. There was nothing to me more than my marks; what my mother said was completely true.
I was distracted that day and the day afterwards because that realization had made me step out of the fool’s paradise I’d been living in. I wasn’t what I thought I was, and I was far from the ideal self that I have in mind. I knew I needed to discuss this with someone, so naturally I went to our Psychology teacher, because she was the only one who could give me a solution without making me feel awkward or worse about myself. We had a quick chat during the little time she had during the lunch break, and in those ten minutes I discovered, besides a solution, what my peers thought of me. Apparently many of them think I’m quite proud of my academic achievements and that I talked about it as if only my hard work (and not theirs) had any value. Some said I showed myself to be an object of pity, gloomily talking about, or rather referencing to, the troubles at home (I live in a joint family that’s not so joint). Ma’am told me about the little things I said or did that made me look unlikeable. And I didn’t defend myself or argue, just listened, because it was all true. I couldn’t deny it.
Instead, I felt quite miserable because I did not remember being so elusive and stupid before. Every time Ma’am pointed out something about me, my mind flashed back to all the times I’d behaved likewise and I felt guilty each time. And it was not restricted to school or home, but also on this blog, though not as much. Ma’am told me what was wrong with me was that I lacked emotional intelligence, which we coincidentally read about in our Psychology class a couple of weeks ago. She pointed out all those behaviors of mine that reflected my self-centredness, unnecessary rudeness, pride, and my habit of begging for pity. Those ten minutes were equally embarrassing and enlightening. Although Ma’am didn’t give me any direct solutions, she told me enough for me to know what I had to do next, and I’ve been trying since to overcome my lack of emotional unintelligence. I don’t know how well I’m doing, but being self-aware has helped a lot. I hope that by the time we graduate, I would’ve changed for the better.
Another change that took place recently was internal too – a change in my goals. I still want to be a writer and study Creative Writing in college, but thew place I want to study and settle down in has changed. I was aiming to get into a college in United States and eventually start a career there, but there were a lot of factors that made it more difficult than it looked – funding, stricter visa rules, and, more recently, rich old white men making decisions for all races and genders. Every day I woke up to another unbelievable step taken by Trump, and the US stopped being what I thought it would be. I do not mean to offend any people living in the US who are reading this right now, but I cannot live in a country that would cost me so much more than just money – my liberty, my dignity and my right to my own body.
My overly-ambitious aim of studying in the US could’ve cost me more than it was worth it, and I’m not talking just about money or Trump; there was more that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here. But in short, I’d attached my entire future to a certain factor that was rather superficial and practically had no chances of being in my life. That was another fool’s paradise I’d been living in. But I’m glad that I’ve stepped out of it. I’m considering other countries, ones that wouldn’t need me to sacrifice so much for the future I want. Things seem much easier now. There’s little to worry about, and a proper direction to work in. That should make me motivated and productive, and it has. But today was one of the days where motivation was present but the mind was not. It kept wandering off and I didn’t get as much work done as I would’ve liked to. But now after writing this, I feel much lighter, so hopefully I’ll do better tomorrow.
To end with something positive: I’ve recently been too much into poems and even written a couple that came into mind. It’s been long since I last wrote a poem, either inspired or because I thought I should. One of them did not come out as good as I’d expected while the other turned out to be way better than my expectations. I was actually so happy with it that I was (and still am) thinking of sending it out. My aim is to get published in 10 lit mags, and I think poetry counts, too. I might as well go ahead and submit it. If anything, I might collect more rejections and learn a little about writing poetry.
I hope you all have a lovely and memorable weekend!
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi