Everyone publishes a special post on such days as Mother’s Day and Sister’s Day and Teacher’s Day and Father’s Day. I’m not one of them. Mostly because I’m not aware of such days unless I open Google and its creative doodles tell me what the occasion is. Here we’re not big on celebrating such days. It’s just another morning for us.
I was going to write a blog post yesterday but was so busy with my History project that I couldn’t find the time, so I decided to do it today and it turned out to be Father’s Day so I thought I should post something about me and my father and our relationship. Before I sat down to write this post, I spent around two hours on it, until I realized in the last paragraphs that it wasn’t really something I should be sharing with the world. There are the sweet parts, but the end of it is too exposing and vulnerable. It’s something that should stay within the family. At first I was quite reluctant to not post it but then I reasoned with myself that though some people have used their blogs to share the darkest parts of their lives with their readers, I haven’t yet got that courage. Plus, I think it’s me overthinking and despairing too much over our relationship rather than looking at it without any bias and not letting my adolescent mood swings affect how I perceive it. I might someday in the future write about it, but this is not the right time to do it.
The writing of that post was so taxing that I procrastinated after literally every sentence in this one. That piece kinda helped me figure out how things were. I’m not sure I liked what I discovered. It’s too tiring just to think about it. There’s a little fear and a lot of guilt on my part. Writing helps me to clear things out, but it’s not necessary that I should post everything I write. Maybe I was looking for sympathy. I don’t know. All I know is that the thought of sharing those words with anyone, stranger or family, or even myself, scares me, and I don’t want to look at it again. I will perhaps, when the time’s right. When I’ll celebrate a Happy Father’s Day with my Papa.
“It is easy to love people in memory; the hard thing is to love them when they are there in front of you.”
— John Updike